Saturday, 28 April 2012

Virgil prepares to get back in the saddle and I know all about it

New communications strategy: share as much as possible. Unless you are truly disinterested in what your partner gets up to on their solo adventures, don't ask don't tell policies create massive opportunities for paranoia and insecurity to fester. An open relationship is something you do together.

Our break is over so Virgil is seeing Sarah this afternoon for I'm not exactly sure what but probably just a chat. I guess that's as much as I want to know in advance anyway. It would be unlike Virgil to try for anything more. To my harlot brain, that Sarah is even willing to see Virgil means that she is open to dating him again. Otherwise why would she bother?

This morning over breakfast he admits to feeling a little apprehensive but open-minded. He says: Mostly it'll be like catching up with a friend who you haven't seen for four months and finding out what's going on with them. And, he adds: It'll definitely be fun.

A pause, during which I resist the temptation to say: Three and a half months and there's much more of an agenda than that. Instead I say: What do you mean about not knowing what will happen? Virgil says: Well, she's got someone and I don't know where she'll be with that. Why? She's single. When I looked on her OkCupid profile that's what it said. I told you about that for fuck's sake. Oh, says Virgil. I had forgotten. I hadn't been thinking about it.

Virgil says: Anyway the most likely reason she might not want to date me again is because of having been fucked around before. I say: Well you can call it that if you want... He says: Does the idea of that make you happy because you seemed to smile just then.

Not at all, I say, more or less truthfully. The idea does not make me happy. If it's not Sarah it will be someone else and at least it's not someone like Voracious C. Anyway, one of the things I realised while updating several years' worth of old blog posts is how patient and committed to our relationship Virgil has been. I want this to work.

In therapy with Deirdre I say: I want my negative emotions about Virgil seeing Sarah (grief, feeling left out and fear of abandonment) to be outweighed by positive feelings: being happy that he's enjoying himself and glad it is with someone who sounds sane, relatively unthreatening and who understands open relationships.

Out of ten, how would you rate the strength of your feelings? asks Deirdre. Eight out of ten bad and three out of ten good, I estimate. And what would you like them to be? I'd like them to be reversed, I say, to three out of ten bad and eight out of ten good.

Well, says D, that's a very good start. I decide not to mention that three was probably an exaggeration.

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