Sunday, 15 August 2010

The Ostrich's Dilemma

At the prospect of sexual encounters without Virgil I feel apprehensive, excited and curious. Unfortunately I feel quite shit about Virgil seeing other people in a measure that is out of all proportion and quite unreasonable and unjustifiable. Jealousy, insecurity, avarice and fear are all there.

I have a date next week with a couple. Virgil doesn't know yet. He's going away for a few days and won't be around. If you are reading this now, it is because I have told him. Virgil reads my blog and I wouldn't allow him to find out that way.

I met this couple a few months ago at a party. They were dressed as toy soldiers and they caught my eye. Then we met again and talked at another party, but they had colds that night and went home early. We Facebooked each other and, a few messages later, arranged a date.

I hardly know the toy soldiers. I have done some Facebook research, looking at photos and wallposts. I don't know. I don't feel terribly confident. They might be a bit straight and suburban; maybe I'm a bit straight and suburban. I suspect Virgil would find them pedestrian but I would feel more comfortable with the toy soldiers than some of the more outrageous people he gravitates toward. They are very goodlooking though.

Virgil is aware of the tin soldiers but he didn't meet them. When I asked if he would like to go on a date with them he suggested I go alone. It's about time we started having solo adventures, even though I feel unsure about it. I simply have to try it to find out. I have a feeling, or maybe a hope is a better word, that it will be easier and less upsetting than I fear.

Recently I told Virgil that he could see other people but I didn't want to know about it. He feels differently. Recently I've said I don't want want unnecessary updates on his movements. I want to get comfortable with not knowing where he is all the time. The idea that at some known point Virgil is out on a date, kissing or fucking or holding someone's hand makes me squirm.

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