Friday, 25 May 2012

I stop crying

An email from Virgil with his nose to the grindstone at work. It's brief but to the point:
Thanks for your message.
So what happens next? I am willing to give it a try if we live separately, as I said before.
But what does this mean for the immediate future?

And everything feels lighter. My stomach rumbles. I look down at it: it's almost concave, my one consolation for six days with no appetite. Relief and a fragile optimism wash in and I have a sense that this could all be for the best; that change and growth can happen now and, whatever the outcome, life will be better than the place we have just come from.

I write back:

I confess I hadn't understood from our conversation that you were already offering to try again on that basis. I could have spared myself many tears and much misery these last two days, but I am very very glad to hear that you are willing. I understand you have your own reasons for wanting to live separately but it's good that I reached my own conclusion about it being the right thing to do rather than just something I am willing to do to satisfy you. I love you. It's challenging but I see it as a positive step for us and for myself. 
Rather than email while you are at work, let's sit down together to talk about our next steps and how we will handle this transition together.

I have some fear of the challenges that will come because I know there will be challenges. Living separately after two years will be an adjustment and there is still the issue of my temper and my fear as it relates to our open relationship. I need to let go of trying to control everything and stop change from happening. I need to be responsible for my own life and my own fear. I need to truly accept Virgil's love and commitment and actually change my inner beliefs about what solo adventuring means. I need to do some important and probably quite difficult work, but I am a hopeful Harlot.

More soon.

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