Friday, 25 May 2012

Sunny morning, still crying

It's a glorious May morning. I wake up in my brother's bed. I feel like a prawn, curled in a foetal position, raw and pink and teary with weeping. I think, 'Harlot, remember that on some level you have chosen this.' Then I think: 'All change is for the best,' and that brings on another burst of tears.
I confess, I am diving into self-help as though my life depended on it. When Everything Changes, Change Everything by Neale Donald Walsch is keeping me going and helping me get some perspective. Sometimes it makes me cry but often I feel a little better and more positive. It's like having someone talk to you, telling you the useful things you need to know at a time like this, when everything feels broken. He repeats things many times and goes slowly. I hold onto his words when I feel my mind spiraling crazily into apocalyptic scenes.

I tell myself: I am not broken, just very sad.

I email Virgil:
Without wanting to intrude on your thinking space too much, there is something I want to tell you that I feel should not wait until we talk next. 
When we spoke I said that I needed an answer from you so that I could know what my next steps would be and that because my current living situation is so difficult for me I needed to know sooner rather than later. This isn't fair. I am not going to make you responsible for that. If you decide that you could try again with me, and start our relationship afresh, I believe it would be for the best if we lived separately. While I would hope that we could live together in the future, I wouldn't see this time of living apart as a finite period either. What I mean is that I wouldn't take a temporary let of a few months with a requirement that we make a decision at the end of it. I mean that I am going to go and make a home for myself somewhere else, maybe in my old flat, maybe somewhere new.
I still absolutely love you, Virgil. It's a strong, very good love for you. It's the best love I have ever given. Please don't reject it. I hope you still love me too. Even though our relationship has become complicated and dysfunctional, I still want to be able to love and be with you.
However, it's clear to me that we need some space between us. I really need to answer my own questions about what I'm doing with my life which is something that I don't seem to be very good at doing while we are in such close proximity, living and often working together. Waking up at my brother's house today, with the sun coming through the windows and the garden outside, I also realise that, nice as our flat is, I need somewhere greener and with more outlook. I know that you have been trying to help me, my darling, and I wish that that could have worked, but it didn't and my unhappiness and dissatisfaction has been damaging our relationship.
Now I have to wait and see. I think about Virgil, going off on his date with Sarah tonight. I wonder what they will talk about and do. I see, probably too late, that it is not a betrayal of me. It's just something else. But I am glad that I am seeing a friend tonight. I do feel sad somehow, and almost self-conscious, to think that Virgil might be confiding our relationship woes to Sarah and getting comfort from her. But mostly I'm just sad that he won't be talking to me.

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