Saturday, 21 May 2011


My ex-girlfriend called a few days ago in response to an email I wrote her. I was at the rag and it was in a busy period so I couldn't talk. The number on my screen said 'Blocked,' and over the background noise I didn't recognise her voice immediately.

"It's Beth," she said, and it was unmistakably her. Soft and cool, she has a very feminine voice.

We arranged to have a phone conversation, so that's to look forward to... It's about a monthly social event that we both like to go to. I think it's how we originally met. We used to have lots of friends in common. Last time I went she was there and that was the first time we'd seen each other for some time but I was kept in another part of the room and had to get friends to fetch my cups of tea so that I wouldn't go near her. It was uncomfortable and silly. I decided not to go again until we had talked about it.

Everyone gets their heart broken at some point. Mine was almost ruined at 16 and it took decades to heal. While that was happening a few people fell in love with me and were ultimately disappointed. I broke Beth's heart and I will always be sorry for that. I really cared about her and I still miss her.

I can't help feeling sad that I never see Beth anymore, and that she doesn't want to know me. She doesn't have to be my friend but that kind of avoidance feels unhealthy, like a phobia. We all know that the best way to get over those is to confront them. An actual spider is much less scary than an imagined one, surely? What does she think is going to happen to her if she sees me, more than three years since we broke up?

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