Saturday, 8 October 2011

Break Up Day

It's five months since my last blog post. I'm sitting on the sofa in my sister's living room. My lovely sister, who could only confide in me one month after the abortion that she had last year and was so unhappy about. This morning when Virgil shouted that he didn't want our relationship anymore, that was it, it was finished and I should get out, I knew I had to go. I picked up my phone and thought about who to ask for help.

I couldn't think of any friends who I was prepared to call on in such a situation (Hello, it's me. How are you? Not good actually. I haven't been in touch for ages but now I need to come and stay with you and I'm very sad and won't be any fun to be around - is that alright?). Family is different. I phoned my sister and said pretty much that and she said, Fine,  no problem, I'll come and pick you up and you can stay as long as you need to. Amazing. Thank you, Gabi.

She's meditating now and then my mum's coming over for the evening, so it'll be three of us. More explanations. I don't really want to see anyone, but it's probably better than being alone because that's when grief rips through me.

My mantra for today is: Don't think about it. Just don't think. Only focus on right now, not about what's going to happen in the near future or how your life will change. That's how I packed some things and got out of the flat and into the car without crying. Virgil had gone out. I had asked him to go and give me the space to collect my stuff and leave. He was shocked that I had made arrangements so quickly but I said that if he stood by his remarks then he was getting no more than what he asked for. Once the decision is made there's nothing to say. I can't cope with contact. Being kind and sympathetic with each other makes it more painful. I didn't want to touch him or talk to him.

I don't particularly want to talk unless it's to make up and get back together to try again. There may be time in the future for a relationship debrief where we can try to be friends and comfort each other and say that it was best that we split up. I'm nursing a hope that tomorrow when we meet up to talk we will make up, and that's a chance I'll take because I really wanted this relationship to work. I really wanted to be family with Virgil and spend our lives together. But my intuition is that tomorrow he will wake and feel sad but know in his heart that splitting up is the right thing to do. That's the feeling I had when my last relationship finished.

Before he left we stood in the hall and held each other and I recapitulated and said to him: Please don't go. I still want you. I've never loved anyone like I've loved you, and my heart is breaking. Then someone in a yellow jacket saying they were a BT engineer buzzed the intercom to be let in and while I was distracted by that and the decision not to let him in, Virgil left and I heard his boots clicking down the hall.

I'm not the victim here. Don't think for a minute that Virgil's outburst wasn't caused by some very bad behaviour of mine - it was, but my rancour was not without some kind of justification. I was angry that in three days he hadn't emptied the dishwasher. It contained dishes and a load of soggy rice, the remains of a meal he had cooked for a woman he had entertained and had sex with on the sofa while I was away last week. I was complaining bitterly that I didn't think I should be clearing up after him in THIS way. Of course it was my decision to empty the loaded dishwasher at that exact moment. I was upset that he was in bed under the covers, claiming to be too tired to have relationship crisis talks with me. I don't sleep well when I'm upset. I had been awake since 7am. It was now 10.30am. I decided to do some cleaning to kill time and soon discovered the things in the dishwasher. It all blew up from there.

He said he wanted to try to fix things and that he loves me but that it would have to change completely. He told me (correctly) that my behaviour toward him had changed completely over the last year and that my criticism, put downs and rudeness were impossible. He needs us to have an open relationship where I don't explode with jealousy. I don't know if I can do these things, although I know that he deserves to have them. There are things that I am not getting in this relationship - needs of mine not being satisfied - and this is why I am angry, frustrated and jealous. I don't know if we can make it work.

So Virgil's words didn't come out of the blue, it's just that he sounded so very definite, as though internally he had reached a decision and now we had to act. And to be honest, I have had some dark moments recently where I have doubted the rightness of our relationship. So I had to leave, basically because it was Virgil's flat when I moved in to it and now that we're splitting up I'm the one who has to go. I didn't much like it anyway, which was part of the problem.

I think I knew before today that this was going to happen but it feels like a giant hand has reached in and pulled me out of my life.

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