Wednesday, 26 October 2011

Options

I have started to count the days, the days since we had sex, that is, not the days until anything. Virgil is not to be pestered for sex this whole week. He has a big thing coming up this weekend and must spend all his energy preparing for that. He knows and I know.

But I have a date tonight, with Michel, who I have yet to have sex with. Someone to satisfy my sexual needs. Is this ok? I'm not sure it is. I'm not sure I'm ready to have sex with Michel. For some reason I'm feeling coy about it. I don't think I've accepted him as a desiring human being. I think I am slightly unsettled by his desire rather than welcoming of it but is that about him or about myself? It's been years since I had sex with someone else without Michel being at least in the room. Michel and I made out a week ago and I took off only my shoes and my cardigan although my short skirt did get everywhere. Very undignified, but I was wearing thick, black tights. 

Tonight I have new underwear. I think briefly about the ethics of wearing for the first time expensive underwear that was bought with and approved by one's partner. Now I intend to christen it with someone else. I think of how I would at the drop of a hat have happily changed into it at any point in the last three days if it had been Virgil's wish... and I think: Fuck it, I'm wearing that underwear tonight and it might even get soiled. I wonder whether Michel likes black lace thongs and boudoir bras. 

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