Monday, 10 October 2011


I am back home, temporarily. That is to say, I slept here last night. Now I am killing time on the sofa, waiting for Virgil to wake up so that we can talk some more. We spent four or five hours yesterday, on the sofa under a blanket, talking about what's gone wrong for each of us and what we need to change in order to try to carry on. Then we went to bed and watched an episode of Breaking Bad and went to sleep, curled up.

There is a lot more still to do. He's still not sure. To be honest, I'm still not sure. I want to save it but I don't know it is reconcilable. At the moment there's a lot of resentment on both sides.

My issues:
Sex. We need to be able talk about it. I am not allowed to initiate sex. Every time I raise it as an issue he attacks me (this has happened periodically for years). This cannot be right? I don't think he puts enough energy and enthusiasm into sex with me. I get jealous when I think that he is more enthused about sex with other people. I also think he has other issues with sex that he won't talk about. It's like an elephant in the room. I know that I haven't always raised it in the right way, and that he feels hurt and undermined. I want to try to do better and change that. From what was said yesterday, I don't know whether he is prepared to try to change this at all.

Outside space. I need to live somewhere with outside space, a balcony at least. I have now lived in Virgil's flat for 18 months. It was only ever supposed to be a temporary arrangement. I am not happy here. This feeds in to the wider issue of...

Compromise, which is that we both have different needs but we should both be willing to try to make things happen for the other person. I now know that I enjoy: theme parks, cigars, five star hotels, the occasional bit of junk food, dressing up, not having a TV, living in a modern apartment, 3D films, ribs and pulled pork (my meat consumption has increased exponentially), Wii (sometimes!), drugs, sex on drugs... I'm sure there are more. Being with Virgil has broadened my experience immeasurably and I am thankful for that but it doesn't feel like a two-way street. He's just not interested in trying new things for my sake. I wouldn't even mind if he'd try them and decide they weren't for him but it's not even that. He's single-minded and it's his way or do your own thing. Independence and doing my own thing is fine, but it's also fucking rude at times, like for example at a sex party where he's just not interested in anyone you point out, not even willing to try.

Now I'm getting angry again. There's too much to write. There are too many things. We talked endlessly about open relationships and what he 'needs' - which seems to come down to being able to have sex with other people in our bed. I am really against this. It feels like an invasion of my intimate space. It's something that he just won't put down. He won't see my side of it or respect my feelings about this. While we argue it starts to seem so surreal and meaningless. But I cannot agree to it - the idea makes me very unhappy. How can I agree to something that makes me feel like that? I say that I am willing to review it in the future but that I want to feel more comfortable and right about the open relationship that we do have. He looks furious. I wonder if this is worth it at all.

He seems different. Not as lovable. Nastier and resentful.

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