Monday, 24 October 2011

Not safe to leave

The less safe my relationship feels, the less I'm satisfied with it, the less I want to venture outside it. I sit in and fume, hating the dusty, cramped hovel it has become but not wanting to leave it either. Maybe I'm afraid that only my presence in it is keeping it together, that if I go out all there might be to come back to is a pile of straw.

This is a very good argument in favour of having an open relationship.

I really get this argument - it is truly my own. I don't like what our relationship was becoming. I had been feeling increasingly lonely and isolated. That's a solo issue for me and a pattern of behaviour I know from other relationships and friendships. And the jealousy thing too - not sexual jealousy. Jealousy can be applied to anything - jealousy of anyone having any nice thing outside the relationship/friendship that didn't involve me in some way. I was too lazy/misanthropic/depressed/timid to create those nice things for myself, but I wouldn't want anyone else to have them either.

Yesterday while crossing the road I had a moment of feeling sincere gratitude to Virgil for sticking with me and giving me the lesson of my life. Then the moment passed and I felt angry with him for putting such an ultimatum on our relationship.

I remember a mantra for overcoming professional jealousy that I heard the other day: 

It's true. I feel sad that I am the kind of person that needs a mantra and reads self-help books. I could probably use a few more as well.

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