Saturday, 22 October 2011


My jealousy is like a desert. Every drop of love Virgil gives me gets swallowed up and is gone. There simply cannot be enough love. I ache inside. Can I do this? If I can't, what will happen?

Coming home half an hour early, I am suddenly and unreasonably paranoid that I will come home to find him with his Sarah. I send him a text saying Back early - see you in ten minutes. He doesn't reply. The bus is stuck in early Saturday evening traffic. I look out of the window wondering if I will see them hurrying down the high street on their way out.

When I get home, it is just Virgil in the bath, poking his head out of the bathroom door to say hello to me, naked and wet, with a sexy new haircut that makes him look about 18. I am shaking, exhausted from my long day and the adrenalin my paranoia has unleashed into my body. I think I must look utterly ashen. I feel a hundred years old. Virgil is glowing from his bath. I confess about the paranoia thing. He is concerned, makes me a cup of tea and asks if I want to talk more but I don't want to cry and be miserable in front of him when he's setting off on a date.

I curl up on the sofa, under a blanket, with a cup of tea and talk myself down. I think about the kind of person who I want to be. This person is cool with the fact that she has chosen to go on a weekend's training course. It is much more important than going to a party, even if it is a super-heroes-at-the-office themed party. This person knows her priorities and has graciously given Virgil the nod that he should go to this party with Sarah instead of her. She has to get up early the next day and simply cannot go to south London to a party that doesn't start until 11pm. Of course Virgil should go and have dinner with Sarah first.

I catch him in the hall on his way out and talk normally and ask him to say hi to Mel, whose party it is, for me. I send him a text after, apologising and saying Have a good time. He sends one back saying that he loves me.

The person I want to be knows that Virgil loves her and that loving her does not preclude wanting to take Sarah to a party that he would otherwise not know many people at. This person has a life of her own. She is not jealous of other people going to parties that she cannot attend because of choices she has made. She even (and this true) has a birthday dinner to go to. She is going to get off the sofa, put on some party clothes and make-up, force herself to go out for a few hours and not dwell on it.

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