Friday, 21 October 2011


I'm ashamed of the nasty, mean, childish sentiments dribbled out in my last blog entry but I won't edit it. It can stand as testimony to the corrupting power of jealousy on one's better self.

Time to grow up a git, I mean, a bit...

Here's a list of amendments to factual inaccuracies in my last post:
  • Ava truly did have a headache. 
  • Virgil wasn't actually getting himself ready to fuck the woman he is seeing whose name I now know is Sarah (yes, that's as bland as I can make it).
  • I hadn't really fucked things up with Michel. I saw him last night. He fed me good bread and French cheese. We finally made out in his warehouse bedroom which looks like a museum with oriental furniture and rugs. (More of that in another post.)
Those are the main things. They're quite big.

Jealousy makes everything and everyone seem ugly and nasty. Everyone's motives are the worst. Nothing good can ever come of anything. I have never experienced sexual/romantic jealousy in this way before but it would be totally incorrect to say that I am not a jealous person. I am regularly, frequently, horribly jealous of so many people in so many ways, mostly to do with success, happiness, wealth, recognition - basically any thing I feel that I lack, of which there are many. You almost wouldn't know that I am an intelligent woman, who doesn't work very hard, has quite a nice life, enjoys the blessing of a great family and looks good to boot. I am so unsatisfied and envious. It would probably serve me right to lose some of these blessings and know real hardship. I have too many choices and so cannot choose. That is my ur-problem.

I am trying to think about the good things that can come from an open relationship:
  • less codependency
  • knowing more people and being open to different things
  • more and varied sex
  • stories to tell 
  • the opportunity to pine
Pining is an interesting one. Virgil and I used to pine for each other all the time between meetings. We would be so depressed when the high of seeing each other was taken away. If jealousy could be converted to pining, which is painful but painfully enjoyable... but is that an incredibly stupid idea?

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