Friday, 28 October 2011

Milestone

Finally I have had sex with someone else. An almost-totally solo adventure.

I came home after midnight and Virgil was in bed, having fallen asleep listening to the radio. I showered and brushed my teeth, wondered whether my hair smelled of sex like the womanizing plumber in the Milan Kundera short story, then crept into bed. He woke up. Are you ok? he asked. Do you want to talk? I had sex, I said. Oh, was it nice? he replied. Yes, quite nice, thanks. And that was that.

It's taking a few days to work out how I feel about it.

1. I feel rather pleased with myself. That I had sex with someone else. I feel like I've gotten away with something, somehow. It's a bit exciting.
2. Concerned for Michel that this might mean more to him than to me, that I might see him next week but haven't made a definite plan to do so. And I suspect that that will be my decision rather than his. I don't want to hurt him but I feel on some level that I am taking advantage of someone's good nature.
3. There is a fading ache in my hips, the result of being fucked and having my legs spread wide apart, that I haven't had for a while. It's a good feeling.
4. It's cool that I have been able to satisfy my sexual needs this week without putting Virgil under pressure.
5. That it wasn't great sex but it was ok and definitely good enough to go back for some more.

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