Saturday, 2 June 2012

Challenge of the day...

I am impatient to see Virgil tomorrow. First I must endure a soul-withering day and evening at the scandalous rag. I must also overcome paranoid thoughts that he might be seeing Sarah. When we spoke on the phone this morning I didn't ask what his plans were for the day and he didn't tell me. I just wished him rest and recuperation after his marathon work stint this week. He's so tired. It's been all work and no play for Virgil.

Except that he went out with Sarah a week ago and perhaps he's seeing her again tonight. If I had been brave enough to ask I would know. As it is, I have to contend with not knowing and not, now, being able to ask without sounding paranoid...

So here goes... what if Virgil is seeing her? Not that it's my business: I'm at work and he is free to do as he pleases. Without freaking out, I examine my thought processes:

Why does the idea challenge me? That's easy: it's because I have been, with great difficulty, giving Virgil space and time, putting my fears to the background and forcing myself to focus on other things, living out of a bag, staying with my brother, not going to the flat.

I hate the idea that he might see Sarah before he sees me. This is based on the fears that this is because he is more excited about seeing her (it will be more fun and exciting); that he doesn't care enough about me. My inner harpy is shouting that prioritising our relationship should mean seeing me before he sees her, like there's a queue... I think: 'How could he go and have fun, maybe have sex or romance even, with Sarah while everything between us is in such a fragile, vulnerable state?'

The actual truth (and this is quite different from the warped reality I torture myself with) is this:

1. I don't know whether he is going to see her and if he doesn't then haven't I just wasted an awful lot of time and emotion on the worry that he might have?

2. If he does see her, it will probably have more to do with the fact that I am working tonight than with the fear that he would prefer to see her or that he doesn't care about our relationship.

3. In truth I do want Virgil to do something nice today. He certainly deserves to. Ok, I'd rather he saw friends because I think he has been very isolated recently, but seeing Sarah would count as something nice.

4. Virgil's connection with Sarah, the fact that he enjoys dating and spending time with her has nothing to do with, really absolutely no bearing on, his relationship with me. It is not a competition. It is not a comment on my deficiencies. Nor is it a big, romantic thing (his words). I do not have to worry that she is going to usurp me in his affections. He didn't see Sarah for four months while we were on our break from solo adventures.

5. I love Virgil and he loves me. We should be supporting each other in what we need to be happy. Love is the only thing that matters in the end. I can be big and gracious when I am not being eaten away by the fear of not being a good enough person.

See, it's not so bad. It's just about fear: fear that he doesn't love me enough, that he doesn't value or want our relationship enough, that I am not good enough. Dissatisfaction with having to work today - that's my responsibility. I allow the feeling of fear to settle in my stomach, jaw and arms. I feel like a root canal, with my inner core and nerve exposed. I am afraid, not angry - just afraid. It's such a familiar old fear. I won't deny it but I will not let it take me over either. 

Do I want to know what Virgil is doing today? I'll probably find out in the end but I don't need to know what he's doing every minute when he's not with me. The important thing, the thing that counts, is his love and commitment and tomorrow we're spending the day together.

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