Wednesday, 27 June 2012

Motivations and progress

I complain to my therapist, Deirdre, that Virgil is incompetent. He cannot tie up properly and he cannot beat to my satisfaction. He doesn't care about kink enough to be skillful. Virgil is a very amazing head on a body that he doesn't really live in. Dyspraxic is the word I use in private. It's unkind but therapy sessions are not a place to pull punches about people who aren't there. I think about how much better for me solo-therapy is than joint therapy.

Deirdre asks how into BDSM is Virgil and I tell her that he is probably about 25% kinky while I am about 50% kinky. I am telling her about Oliver the dominant. I say: 'Oliver is really good at what he does. I have this on good authority. BDSM is a really central part of his sexuality. It's his thing.' Then I say that Oliver is probably 70% kinky.

I don't know how I know this. I don't know this! It's patently rubbish. If you ask almost anyone how good their sense of humour is they will rate themselves at 70% (try it if you don't believe me).

I haven't told Virgil about Oliver yet. I will save it until it feels as though there is actually something to tell. He is away working again and there hasn't been a chance.

I say to Deirdre: 'The trouble is that I didn't think you were supposed to want an open relationship because you were feeling sexually dissatisfied or that your BDSM needs weren't being met. It doesn't sound very nice does it? If that's my motivation, is it any wonder that I feel scared about what Virgil's motives might be?' Deirdre agrees.

Then: 'I think Virgil's motives are more romantic and social than mine. He is such a good romancer and seducer: he needs other people to be that or do that with, to be that thing - his best self.' Deirdre's patient with me: she's heard this at least three times before. Clearly I'm still processing it.

I have had one or two insane moments of jealous paranoia about Sarah in the last few days. Fortunately I have been able to talk myself out of them but they worry me. I know Virgil is in touch with her. They write emails to each other. Virgil is waiting until things are less busy before he starts seeing her again. The nice part of my character is grateful that he is devoting his spare time to being with me whenever his work allows it: the nasty bit is angry that he even cares enough about Sarah to want to wait until he has more time for her.

Like me, Sarah is flat-hunting. I wonder whether we might go separately to see the same rooms. The thought gives me a weird feeling. However, I might well have found a place: except that I haven't seen it and I have yet to meet one of the flatmates. Both of these things will happen tomorrow and if all goes well I will have a new place - imminently! If it doesn't work out, a friend has agreed to rent his boat to me. I will take up temporary summer lodgings on the river. Both of these possibilities please me a great deal.

At my Tai Chi class I notice how much brighter I feel than in the class the week before. A week ago I was regularly falling on the floor at least once a day and emptying my insides out, weeping in despair. Now I don't. I say to Deirdre: 'I have realised that even without Virgil I can make some good things happen for myself.'

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