Monday, 11 June 2012

I hate Mondays

My head is too full and truly I'm to the point where I cannot think. House-hunting, job-seeking, relationship-fixing, directionless harlot. I am at sea. This morning, having spent the night with Virgil, I wake up and burst into tears. I almost ruin a perfectly good wake-up cuddle but Monday mornings when you haven't got enough work and your whole life needs fixing can be challenging like that. I do, however, have a room in a flat to go to look at this evening and I also managed to send off a job application.

Change is a process, I tell myself. It's a step at a time. Just keep moving and trusting that it will be in the right direction. I burst into tears again. The incessant rain doesn't help much.

Virgil and I have finally had some time to talk and be together. When I go to meet him there is a small hump of resentment and sadness to be overcome but then it's good. It's very loving and tender. We are being kind, even me. I own that my resentment is about not having a home at the moment. I remind myself that I chose to leave. I briefly consider asking Virgil to vacate the flat for a few weeks to give me some space but decide instead that I'd rather he owed me one on that score. I need his patience and good will while I find my next place. I keep saying that I don't want to go back to the flat but when I've got my next move planned perhaps I will allow myself the temporary luxury of doing so. I would like to wake up and feel as though I'm home for a change.

Yesterday we talked about our openness agreement. Not living together takes some of the pressure off having an open relationship but it's no panacea. It will be easier not to have to be around Virgil when he is setting off on or returning from dates, but I will still know when he's out on a date with someone. I still want to know what's going on for him. I am anxious to avoid lapsing into a don't-ask-don't-tell situation. I say this and he nods.

We decide to keep the boundaries and lose most of the rules that previously I have been insisting on rather than dealing with my fear. 'Which rules do you still want to have?' asks Virgil. I say: 'The rules I still want are this: no overnight stays and no taking dates to play parties or to our mutual friends' social gatherings.' 'Fine,' he says. I continue: 'The boundaries, in addition to the ones we already have about primacy, respect, honesty and communication are: no love affairs and - seriously Virgil - no other girlfriends or boyfriends. It's really important to me that anyone either of us sees be fully aware of and absolutely fine with our arrangement. I can't feel remotely ok about you seeing someone who is only grudgingly accepting of our rules or of the limits to the connection you can have with them.'*

And we pretty much leave it at that for the day and start talking about the holiday we are going to have together.

*Maybe at some point I'll post this document.

No comments:

Post a Comment